Turning Fifty When My Mom Died at Fifty

​The other day, I received a letter in the mail by error.  It was an invitation to join AARP!  However, as I opened and read the letter, I found out there was no mistake.  The letter was meant for me.  I am turning fifty years old tomorrow, which is the minimum age to join AARP.  I know many people lament turning fifty, but I’m looking forward to celebrating this milestone in my life.  I have lots of fun things planned for my Fifty and Fab birthday weekend, including a disco party with friends and family tonight, then a special birthday brunch with my husband and kids, and a game night later in the weekend with my family and my sister’s family, complete with my husband’s homemade, deep dish, Chicago style pizza!
 
However, while I am choosing to celebrate this weekend and to be grateful for turning 50, I am also sad, because I can’t help but think of my mom’s life and her death.  She had a chronic illness which incapacitated her for many years, and she eventually died at the age of 50, a few days after my wedding. I cannot imagine suffering in pain while trying to smile for the camera at my fiftieth birthday party, but that’s what my mom had to do. I cannot imagine being so nauseous from pain meds at my daughter’s wedding that I was vomiting into an empty coffee cup at the reception, but that’s what my mom had to do.  I cannot imagine never seeing or knowing my grandchildren, but that’s what my mom had to do. I cannot imagine dying a few weeks after I turn fifty, but that’s what my mom had to do. 
 
I know that none of us knows what the future holds and that all our days are numbered.  I have found that one “benefit” of being raised by a chronically ill mother is that my siblings and I were, and still are, much more aware of the fragility of life and good health than most of our friends ever were.  In some ways, we were forced to grow up more quickly than other kids because of the daily reality in which we lived.  That reality also helped us forge an unbreakable bond with each other, and with our father.  I can see now that it has served us well, as we are now all high functioning, successful adults who have a strong faith in God and know how to reach out for help when we need it.  And we are blessed to have the unwavering support of our amazing dad and our stepmom, who has graciously been a mother/grandmother to us and our kids in the absence of my mom.
 
As a psychotherapist, I am constantly looking for new, positive ways to reframe difficult life circumstances, including those in my clients’ lives and my own.  But I also believe it's cathartic and healthy to let oneself feel and experience difficult emotions.  So when I woke up feeling sad today about my mom, first I let myself grieve and shed tears for the life that my mom had and also for the life that she didn’t get to have.  Then I thought of what my mom would do in this situation, and here’s what I decided: 

This weekend and this year, I will celebrate turning fifty and fabulous for me AND for my mom.  I will honor the life she gave me, the family and legacy she created, and the physical and emotional strength she showed through all her years of physical pain and suffering.  As I turn fifty years old tomorrow, I will thank God for continuing to give me life and good health, as I realize it is a blessing to grow older and experience all that life has to offer.  And it is not something I will ever take for granted.

Sincerely,
Sarah

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